Article - Coarse

In struggling to get to grips with the Wallis Cast, I naturally turned to the internet to seek help and advice. Not only did I find copious sites offering everything from step by step instructions to video, I also found intriguing threads which suggested alternative versions of the cast, many lost in the mists of time. Researching these leads proved more fruitful and interesting than trying to master the basic cast itself, so I thought PP readers would like to share my findings.

1. The Wallis Simpson Cast

Believed to have originated across the Atlantic, and brought to England by the eponymous socialite, this variation definitely does not have Royal approval. After the Abdication, the late Queen Mother banned it on her estates and its shadowy reputation has meant that few people know about it, and even fewer speak about it publicly.

Just why is a mystery. This does make it difficult to describe and learn. During the research for this article, the author painstakingly listened to an early gramophone recording of a Balmoral ghillie describing the cast in detail. However, between the scratchy recording and the impenetrable accent, the essence of the technique was lost. Incidentally, the unfortunate ghillie was castigated so severely by HRH for making the recording, that he lost first his livelihood and subsequently his tied cottage, when it was looted and burned by a rampaging village mob, incensed that their secret had been revealed to the world. Of course, it was already known about in other places, such as back across the Atlantic, but inbreeding had clouded their judgement on that fateful day.

Accordingly, one would expect that a trip to the USA would uncover the truth of this elusive technique, but the Editor refuses point blank to fork out for a ticket (business class) and so a mystery it must remain.

The Fuhrer admires the wrist that launched a thousand casts

2. The Wallis and Gromit Cast

Many years ago a cheesemaker in Yorkshire discovered that whey is a superior lubricant for centrepin reels. Serendipitously, he discovered this by accident when he fell into a vat of his own product after over-zealously celebrating the capture of a PB barbel on the Wharfe.

This variation requires the use of copious amounts of ripe Wensleydale. To practise, having first dipped your reel in the whey (available from all good Cheese Shops), tie a large lump of said dairy product to your line using the Cheesewife Knot (large, ugly, but effective). Place a cream cracker 20 paces in front of you. Hold the rod at 11 o’clock (but not after 1.30), a loop of line in your left hand and the cheese at arm’s length to avoid nausea. Swing the rod forward and simultaneously let go of the loop of line whilst scratching your left ear. Count “one, two, three” then lean sharply to the right to avoid the slap of sticky cheese in the nape of the neck. With luck, and practise, you should be able to land the Wensleydale with pinpoint accuracy onto the biscuit. In reality, you will miss every time and will need to invoke the healing incantation, thus: “bugger, bugger, bugger”.

Allegedly, there is a heretical angling society in Gloucestershire who insist on using Stinking Bishop for this cast. We make no comment on the veracity of these claims.

An unconventional landing net

3. The Barnes Wallis Cast

This is the most technically advanced variant of the standard Wallis Cast. It was developed under conditions of utmost secrecy during the dark days of World War II by renowned scientist Barnes Wallis. It took him so long to develop and perfect the cast that his follow-on work on the bouncing bomb was delayed and the resulting increase in German munitions output lengthened the war by almost six months.

The cast is described in detail elsewhere, and is by its nature, Top Secret and still classified.(Ministry of Defence Archives, File BWC Xxiii). I will presume you have absorbed the directions, eaten the transcript and are ready to proceed. As with all things, timing is of the essence if you wish to harness the centrifugal and/or centripetal force exerted by the skimming effect of the terminal tackle across the water’s surface.

You must, obviously, sing (or hum if you prefer) the Dambusters’ March during the execution for maximum effect. It is, however, well-nigh impossible to apply the upturned hands to the face to simulate a genuine flying helmet and mask and land your tackle smoothly. I find it preferable to complete the cast, lay the rod in a rest and then sing (or hum) the finale with the appropriate hand gestures. It is considered bad form to strike, should you have a bite, until the last refrain is completed.

Of course, using the bouncing bomb technique increases your casting distance considerably. Chris Yates reckons he can sink a bait boat at over 100 yds using this method, and the world record is held by Wing Cdr “Stinker” McKay, who downed a low-flying Focke Wulf 190 in 1944 at almost 300 yds when he was chubbing on the Meuse during a lull in the Battle of the Bulge. Stinker was heard to comment after the event, “the Focke never saw it coming”.

Barnes Wallis re-whipping his Wizard

Summary

There may well be as many variations on the Wallis Cast as there are escaped maggots in the author’s car boot. Readers are invited to supply additional alternatives.